We've all heard the phrase a million times, and it has just as many applications. Someone's appearance can be completely opposite of their beliefs. A boring book cover can hold an incredible adventure inside. We often are so quick to judge based on appearances, or from the outside looking in, but can be so wrong by doing so. Especially in a close knit group or community, where everyone knows everyone else. But who really knows what goes on behind closed doors? Who really knows the true thoughts and feelings of someone else? I'm sure I've misjudged others and compared myself to them only to feel that I don't measure up to their public self. I've spent years and years feeling badly about myself because my real self isn't like their public self. And how many people have misjudged me? How many of you have judged me (positive or negative) based on what you see? I can guarantee that very few people really know what goes on in my head, my heart, my home. This blog has been a good way for me to document the happenings of our family life since I am a terrible journal writer. The bad part is that I never write anything bad that happens. Well, I'm here to tell you that sometimes life sucks. There are days that I wish I could die, because then I wouldn't have to deal with all of the tough things that life brings. There are days that I want to crawl in a hole and never be found. Days that all I do is cry. I hate most of my growing up years and feel like I got cheated. All I ever wanted was to be like everyone else. My mom tried. She did her best. But with 6 kids, alone and lonely, financially strapped and struggling, she didn't have many options. I hated having to move and change schools almost every year. I got to where I didn't seek out close friends because there wasn't a point. That seems to have carried over into my adult life, because I don't have many friends that I stay in contact with. I wish I did, but for some reason I don't. And my home life? I'm so tired of people saying what a great family we have. They have no idea what happens here, as I'm sure I have no idea what goes on in their homes. From the outside looking in, every family looks great. But the reality is that we all have our struggles and challenges. None of us are perfect. Some days just suck and I want to scream it to the world!!!
Monday, April 13, 2009
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2 comments:
Oh honey, welcome to the grand world of blogging where we present our best selves! I can promise you, you are not alone. We all have days like that and you are brave to admit it. There has been so much that I have wanted to share this past month as my life has taken a nosedive toward disaster, but when you have teenagers who are mortified by your blogging, there is only so much you can say.
Anyway, you ARE wonderful, Sonda! You are strong and brave and you are a good wife and mother and friend. I am in awe of the woman you have become in spite of all the challenges that I was completely oblivious to as we were growing up. I envy your resilience and tenacity and I know that better days will come.....they always do. Even though we are connected by genetics, I still count myself lucky to be called your friend. Sending you love and hugs across the miles....
I know exactally how you feel as I have struggled through the years with making friends as we move yearly. I feel I have no friends to hang out with and talk to. I love Daniel but guys just don't get it sometimes! This past year has been VERY hard for me as I have dealt with postpartum, raising twins, a failing marriage and failing myself. It has been a long hard struggle but the past 2 weeks I have finally felt the strong love of my Savior. I think it took so long because I wasn't REALLY ready to accept that I needed to change. Stay strong Sonda love ya, Rachel
ps next time you head this direction I would love to see your family even if for 1 mintue.
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